We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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