STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Every concussion has its silver lining
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
