I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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