So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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