i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
