Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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