the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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