I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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