Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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