My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
