I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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