I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
