then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
