I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Nicole vs. Life
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
