carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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