Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
