he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
