someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
