She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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