My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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