The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
