why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
