Can i not drive my cunt home
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
