He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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