i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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