Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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