Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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