she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
