i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
