i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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