nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
