There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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