so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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