Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
