I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
