You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
