Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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