Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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