Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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