What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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