Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
