Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
