one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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