I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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