I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
