Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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