Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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