my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
