Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
