nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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