There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
