I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize