I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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