I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
