I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
