i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
