Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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