Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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