grandma shit on top of the toilet
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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