You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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