the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
