hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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