I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
