I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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