Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
