ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
