He uses pillows to masturbate.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
