now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
