Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
